- If you're white its only okay to drop "n" bombs when your quoting rap lyrics.

- Always say "Its a pleasure to be here!" regardless of the level of pleasure. 

- Break down why rap lyrics DON'T make sense. 

- Open AND close with a knock knock joke. Preferably the same one. Add more knocks as well. Make sure they know YOU'RE there. 

- Just because your not performing for a big crowd only means more people will forget you. 

- It's okay to keep running the light until you get a chuckle. 

- Have something to talk about.

- Signing up late is great. It gives you time to rethink better career options (or "hobby" as people who gave up on it as a career call it)

- Heckling doesn't apply to comics so interrupt the night away, especially in full rooms. 

- Nudity might be illegal but do what it takes to make a name for yourself

- Plug shows plug shows plug shows plug shows plug shows plug shows pug shows dog shows horse shows horse shoes horse hooves

- When people ask what you do in your spare time answer "Not stand-up comedy" and laugh nervously then say in a bro voice "Netflix and shit you know, but definitely not comedy cause that would be REALLY lame right" and get a read on wether they would come to a show or not. 

-Transgender bathrooms. Audiences LOVE this topic so really get into specifics.